Thursday, June 11, 2009
I didn't expect to get so emotional at Hannah's high school graduation ceremony last night, but when they presented the Class of 2009, my eyes welled up and my face got all wobbly as I tried to contain myself. It really hit me. This beautiful creature that I seemingly just birthed yesterday is now on the cusp of adulthood. Striding across the stage in her four inch heels, towering above most of her classmates, I felt a strange mixture of emotions; sadness, pride, appreciation that I have had the privilege of getting her this far (not without the help of others) and honour in knowing her at all.
Hannah and I had a rough start to her life. I was not much older than she is now when I gave birth to her. Without beleaguering the point, her biological donor and I split up when I was 8 months pregnant. It was one of the most stressful times in my life and I do believe she saved my life. At night, when my emotions would get the better of me, she'd move around in my belly as though to say "it's okay mom, I'm here" and then she'd grow very still, calm. She was, is and always will be the first true love of my life. This is not the same love you feel for your own parents, or your siblings or your spouse. It goes so much deeper because she is a part of me. She shares half the same chromosomes as me (well, so does my twin but that's different!) Without the unconditional support of my parents and siblings, I would not have made it through the first year of Hannah's life on my own. I am forever grateful to them. She shares very special bonds with her grandparents and her aunts and uncles.
As Hannah began to change and grow, I vowed to myself that she would be an independent person and be self-reliant. She has more than exceeded my expectations. She became a sweet personality, eager to please and fun to be around. She shares my quirky sense of humour and sometimes only a phrase ("Razzle Dazzle") will set us to giggles. I can recall her being about two or three and holding a flashlight under her chin, saying "I'm the lepterchaun" in her most menacing voice. That memory will always make me smile!
I could not have asked for a better child to raise for the first time. Everyone she touches tells me how much they love her and how kind and sweet she is. People loved having her for sleepovers because she was well-behaved and respectful. She is playful, energetic and fun. She has a compassionate heart and a strong mind. She has always acted much older than her age and while I think that may be because of her early circumstances, it is not a bad trait to have.
She will be attending University on the other side of the country come September. I don't know how I will endure her being that far away, not able to rush to her side for any perceived crisis or thing, or just to hang out. My heart scrinches up whenever I think about it. I think I'll wait until that time before I get too freaked out.
For now, brimming with pride, I'll just sit back and admire the woman she is becoming and envision what the future holds for her.
Hannah, I love you my baby, my beautiful girl. I'll always be here for you.